THE USHEROFF INSTITUTE

Human beings have invented millions of words in hundreds of languages. But do we always mean what we say? Non-verbal communication often speaks louder than words. A handshake, a smile, a yawn, or even a posture can reveal our true feelings. How do you know what signals you’re sending, and how to read the signals you’re receiving?

THE "SILENT LANGUAGE" AND WHAT IT SAYS ABOUT YOU

Whether you want to or not, you are always transmitting information about your innermost thoughts and feelings. So are your friends, colleagues and clients. We call these silent signals ‘body language’.
Here’s a brief but painful little story from my own past. In the early months of my business, I was calling on prospects to introduce my services. On one occasion, I remember walking into a plush boardroom and being greeted by four distinguished executives. Feeling somewhat intimidated, I comforted myself that I was fully prepared for any question.

After the meeting, my contact walked me to the elevator. “How do you think it went? I asked anxiously. “Do you want the truth, Roz?” He paused. “They found you somewhat reticent.” Later, the dictionary informed me that ‘reticent’ meant ‘not self-assured, hesitant’. My feeling of intimidation had come through in my body language! And I was lucky enough to be told about it.

Lucky? Yes! Most of the time no one will speak up, and you risk repeating situations that do not produce your desired result. My livelihood happened to depend on the desired result of meetings like that! Your ability to manage your body language, and to interpret signals from others, will provide you with information that may be just as critical.

Presentation follies

How many times have you heard a presenter begin a speech by saying: “I’m really excited to be here today.” Meanwhile, her arms are crossed, her face deadly serious, and her voice a bland monotone. She’s probably scared to death of speaking in public, and looking every inch of it!
The ability to connect with an audience (from two to a thousand) depends on much more than your expertise. I attended a presentation recently where a speaker, upon completion of his speech, strode brusquely into the audience, hands on his hips, intensity written all over his face, and asked loudly if anyone had a last minute question. No hands. Also no applause.
Afterward, he told me he was glad that everyone had understood and agreed—or so he thought. I gently pointed out that he should be more conscious of the closed body language he was projecting. His defensiveness was demonstrated through gestures that protected his body, and the audience interpreted them negatively.

ARE YOU THE “BULL IN THE CHINA SHOP”?

Here are a few ways to ‘soften’ your demeanor.

• Be conscious of the value of open gestures like relaxed arms, open palms and sincere eye contact.
• If you do choose the crossed arm position, look relaxed by keeping your arms loosely folded and hands open. Never clench. Project warmth in your facial expressions.
• Avoid angling your body sideways when you talk. Face the individual squarely and honestly.
• Aim for continuity between what you say, how you say it and how you look when you say it. Use authentic body language to support your verbal message. If you’re passionate about an idea, show it AND say it.
• Authentic body language is a barometer of your sincerity. In other words, speak from your heart, not just your head. Avoid platitudes like “It’s good to see you,” or “Thanks for your time." When you express your true feelings, your body language will naturally reinforce the message. Using “I” in your sentences helps to reach and express those feelings, e.g. “I really had a good time.” Try it!

Behavioral Science and “The Likeability Factor”
Most significant body language signals are learned, and vary from culture to culture. Research by UCLA behaviorist Albert Mehrabian found that how we feel about someone influences our body language. When we like someone, we unconsciously lean forward, move closer, and make more eye contact.
In contrast, when we have a negative feeling about someone, we are more inclined to place hands on hips, avoid eye contact, fidget and keep our distance.

SOME DO’S AND DON’TS

DO…

• use indicators of personal warmth, such as a smile, direct-facing posture and forward lean, especially when meeting a person for the first time.
• pay special attention to the body language of people you consider significant, such as customers/clients, your boss, your friends and family. It could be telling you that a relationship you care about needs some management.
• make allowances for other people’s shyness, cultural backgrounds, or even the fact that they may be having a bad day.

DON’T…

• hold a person in conversation when their body language is saying, “I’ve got to go.”
• avoid interpersonal communication by relying too heavily on e-mail or the telephone.
• intimidate with body language based on your physical size or position in the organization

QUIZ: How Warm or Cool do You Come Across?

Do you naturally project warmth, or chilliness? Do people ask you if you are in a bad mood? Do they tell you that they like you more now that they know you? You may be delivering some frosty messages without even realizing it!

Circle all the behaviors you believe you display, in both columns. Don’t worry if you’re not 100% warm, because few people are. However, if you exhibit more cold behaviors than warm, you may benefit from some self-management of your body language.

Let’s examine some important body language signals in more detail.

EYE CONTACT
Eyes are truly the windows to the soul. They give us an almost unerring insight into a person’s mood. The pupils of our eyes actually dilate when we become emotionally stimulated. Anthropologist and author Desmond Morris says that East Asian jade dealers protect their bargaining power by wearing dark glasses that mask their excitement if a stone really interests them.
Visual contact signals that the communication channel is open. There is proof that we make less eye contact when we are speaking than when we are listening. Also, when speaking, we tend to make eye contact at the end of a thought or idea. This may a subconscious check to see how we are being received.
In North America, a fine line exists between positive eye contact and staring. Staring is interpreted as rude and possibly even aggressive. Nevertheless, liberal eye contact is generally considered friendly and appropriate in North and South America, Europe and Australia. Know that your confidence will be measured in part by your ability to make effective eye contact.
In Asian cultures and some African cultures, however, persistent eye contact can demonstrate disrespect. In these cultures, watch how much eye contact you receive, and generally return that much back.

TIPS:

• The amount of time you look at someone should depend on the purpose of your encounter, the comfort of the recipient and the spatial distance between you. Eye contact becomes less threatening the farther away someone is.
• The topic of conversation makes a difference too. When we engage someone in friendly conversation, we make more eye contact. In a sales or other influencing situation, increased eye contact can make the conversation seem more friendly and casual.
• If you’re not the smiley type, try smiling with your eyes. Think a pleasant thought, and your eyes will instantly show warmth.
• To practice eye contact, or to avoid looking confrontational, slowly and subtly triangulate the face with your gaze, beginning at one eye, then the other, and finally at the mouth.
  Eye contact can be learned, so experiment with it. Practice in ‘safe’ situations with family and friends if it makes you feel more comfortable. You’ll find it’s a great confidence builder!

EXPRESSIVE ARMS
When you sit down, the position of your arms says a lot about you. When they’re crossed chest-high, you may be saying, “Don’t bother me” or even “I challenge you”. For women, this position is more likely to project submissiveness or defensiveness (even it it’s just because you feel cold).

TIPS:

• Gesture from the waist out. The larger the audience, the bigger the gestures. Big gestures can disguise nervousness—but don’t look like the signal flagman on the Queen Mary!
• Use fingers to tally the points you’re making. Make three points at a time—people remember in threes. Watching you count off your ideas on three fingers helps them focus.
• When you are in front of people and wish to demonstrate emotion with your hands, move them slightly away from your sides. This will avoid “Velcro elbow syndrome” and you’ll look a lot more relaxed.
• For a more casual stance, put one hand in your pocket (make sure it comes out for air from time to time).
• If you feel better clasping your hands behind your back, try the ‘parade rest’ with hands at mid-back. Clasping your hands lower will make your shoulders slouch.

BODY POSTURING

• Behavioral researcher John Mole believes that there are two basic groups of body language postures: (1) open or closed, and (2) forward or back. The four possible combinations of these postures send very different signals.
  Open or closed is the most noticeable variation of posture. People with closed posture use “cold indicators” that they are rejecting your message. When people face you with open arms and hands, with the occasional nod as you speak, they are demonstrating openness to your message. Forward or back posture indicates either active or passive reaction to your communication.
• Voice your thoughts or sell your ideas when you observe someone leaning forward with steady eye contact. This posture, called “responsive mode,” denotes especially active listening and potential acceptance.
• Provide more facts and/or figures when your listener is displaying open and back body postures. They may be listening, but do not necessarily agree with your ideas. We refer to this as reflective mode. Practice the ‘pregnant pause’ to give the person time to digest the information and provide feedback.
• Be prepared to close out and try again later when your listener is displaying closed and back postures simultaneously, referred to as “resistance mode”. Ask open-ended questions to encourage them to express what they are thinking—or raise the subject again later.
• Leave your boxing gloves at home when your listener is displaying closed/forward body language with head-on eye contact. This is called “hostile mode”. If you sense high emotion, angle your body slightly to the side to assume less antagonistic posturing. Soften your tone of voice, use open body language and allow them to blow off steam.

Remember that in North America, our multicultural society raises particular challenges to interpretation of body language. It’s always important to keep an open mind, and make others feel comfortable.

WHY WORRY?

If body language is a silent, subconscious language, why worry about it at all? You might think that pushing a subconscious process into the conscious mind will just make you crazy!
The idea is not to act out a role—it’s simply to read the signals for the information they can reveal, and to make adjustments where they can be beneficial. It’s really just an exercise in ‘present moment awareness’, where you are focusing on the ‘here and now’ instead of the past or the future. The mental discipline involved is a positive thing.
Approach learning body language the way you would any other language, like sign language. The more you understand how you come across, the more control you have in important situations that determine your destiny!