THE USHEROFF INSTITUTE

Having influence at the office isn't as simple as having good ideas, and expecting people to recognize that. It's a much more complex process of reciprocity, winning people over, and sharing ownership of your ideas. How do you do that? Try host behavior!

HOST BEHAVIOR MAKES THE DIFFERENCE

We live in a me-first society - and we don't like it. The media is filled with reports of road rage, airline rage, and rage in the workplace. We expect to be listened to and heeded; and when we aren't, many of us are prepared to make a scene to make our point.

The media is also filled with editorial comment criticizing this lack of control, as well as poll results that suggest we all realize (and feel disappointed) that we are losing the social graces.

I don't want to discuss the rights and wrongs of me - first behavior - that's been done a lot. Instead, I want to examine how effective it really is, and how it can work against you if it becomes part of your 'personal brand'.

Consider this common example. You've got a great idea at work, and you really want to see it implemented. You go to a meeting and present your idea enthusiastically - but it doesn't get the reaction you expected. Some people ask you tough questions, and others just throw cold water on it. Your back goes up. Your responses become more and more defensive.

After the meeting, you're frustrated and angry. You mutter things about office politics and 'ignorant people'.Why do you even bother contributing if they don't take you seriously?

On one level, the anger seems justified - but is it? People may have great ideas, but it does no good if they can't understand how things get done in an organization.

The Pitfalls of "Guest Behavior"

People who conduct themselves in the manner of this meeting example are displaying what I call 'guest behavior'. They enter a situation like a meeting with the expectations of a guest; to be made comfortable, to be heard, understood, appreciated and gratified with the agreement of the group.

When they don't receive the guest treatment they expect, their voice rises and their body language becomes negative. Their disappointment has created an entitlement attitude - a definite career limiter.

The Power of "Host Behavior"

The opposite of guest behavior is 'host behavior'. A host makes people feel welcome, comfortable, and important. A host believes in the 'Platinum Rule': to treat others the way they expect to be treated. Hosts know that if they embarrass a guest or make them wrong, no one wins.

When you're exhibiting host behavior in a meeting, you seek to create a non-threatening environment that encourages others to respond. You ask questions with sincerity, respect and genuine interest. You support other members of your team by saying things like, "Let's hear what Pam has to say about this. She usually has some interesting perspectives."

Or, if you are at odds with your colleague's thinking, you might phrase it this way: "John, I think your idea has something to it. Can we run with it a bit…?" You are not afraid to speak the truth, but you are always fair and diplomatic when you have something to say.

How Host Behavior Ensures "First Class" Treatment

I had an experience in the last month that really crystallized my thinking on host behavior. As many of my clients know, an injury to my Achilles tendon wasn't healing properly, and required a second surgery. I am in the Canadian health care system, which has a reputation for scarce resources. Knowing what could happen, I prepared a strategy based on host behavior.

Tuesday, 9:00 am, Mount Sinai Hospital, Toronto, 5th floor clinic: My orthopedic surgeon schedules me for surgery at 7:00 pm.

9:30 am, Main floor admitting: I really want a private room - something not always available in Canada. So I put on a big smile and ask the admitting clerks for the 'Honeymoon Suite'! That broke the ice; and wouldn't you know they were able to pull some strings for me!

10:00 am, 11th floor nurse's desk: I get several looks as I proclaim that I am promised the 'Honeymoon Suite' - but I also need it with a view. I show them the new book I'm reading - "Why Men Don't Listen and Why Women Don't Read Maps" - and promise to share my insights with them if my room has a view. Well,it wouldn't be that much trouble, they said, to switch me into a corner room. Done.

11:15 am, my private room with a view: I make a sign on the back of a paper plate that reads "The Honeymoon Suite - Please Visit" and stick it on the door.
11:40 am: Curious staff and other patients begin stopping by. We discuss cosmetics tips and gender differences.

12:00 pm: I am asked to change into a faded, drab blue robe. I mock/complain that I look deathly ill in this color, and ask for a bright yellow robe like I saw another patient wearing. It's only for isolation patients, they tell me, so I promise to hide in my room. Well, if I wouldn't tell anybody…

Here's the point. Through host behavior, I was able to make the hospital staff laugh and feel appreciated - and they reciprocated. In the end, I believe I was the architect of my own positive experience.

I understood from the beginning that hospitals are severely shortstaffed, and that nurses are overworked, underpaid and rarely complimented. I had no expectations of the system, which I knew had the potential to be frustrating.

What Kind of Behavior Do You Use?

At the office, are you in 'guest' or 'host' mode? The answers to these questions will give you some idea.

• Do you think small talk is a waste of time?
• In a conversation, do you find yourself waiting for the other person to finish talking so you can make your next point?
• Do you often leave meetings feeling frustrated and misunderstood?
• Do you protect your time from meetings and incoming phone calls?
• Do you answer telephone calls while you are in a meeting in your office?
• Do you show up late for meetings with your colleagues, but arrive on time for senior management meetings?
• Do you avoid after-hours meetings and social events?

If you answered 'yes' to four or five of these questions, you're displaying tendencies toward guest behavior. People can survive in the workplace with guest behavior - sometimes for entire careers - but they don't find it fun and their advancement can be limited.

If you're a 'guest', and you have an open mind, I suggest you start experimenting with host behavior. I believe you'll be very surprised at the positive reaction you'll get-and how you'll feel as a result. Here are some tips:

Tips for Initiating Host Behavior

1. ADOPT A POSITIVE WINNING ATTITUDE

Your ability to truly succeed will be determined by your mindset. Every day, you have the choice to view the world in a positive way or not.

How you choose to see the world will impact on your behavior, and ultimately on your final results. And how you see yourself will determine how others perceive you.

Quick tips:

• Give yourself permission to stand out as a host. Take on added responsibility for making people comfortable in your presence.
• Always look at the glass as half full rather than half empty.
• Surround yourself with optimistic and supportive friends.
• See yourself as a successful contributor at work, and walk your talk. People will respond to your positive vibes.
• Spend time dressing tastefully. In fact, dress one step above. Look like you fit in, but be distinctive at the same time. When you know you look good, it gives you added confidence for social interaction.

2. ENGAGE IN SMALL TALK

Many, many people feel that small talk is a waste of time. But did you ever stop to think that every relationship you value - your spouse, your best friends - started with small talk? It may not be intellectual, but small talk sends important signals about you. You're approachable. You like people.

Quick tips:

• Practice small talk by speaking with strangers in the elevator, supermarket checkout lines, or any other place where people are 'stuck together'.
• Give someone a sincere compliment; discuss a recent trip, the big game, or anything else that's not controversial or personal.
• Establish commonality. People do business with people they know, like and trust.
• Be 'prepared' to be spontaneous. You say you weren't born with the gift of gab? Think of topics ahead of time that reflect your personality and experiences. Respond to the question "What's new?" with some concrete information, and even some questions you need answered. In short, prepare an "agenda" so your small talk is smart talk.
• Avoid topics that involve politics, religion, abortion, race, sexual implications, gossip, weight, age, marital status or gender preference.

3. BE AN ACTIVE LISTENER

When a person is speaking with you, especially one-on-one, a secondary stream of communication is also going on. He or she can tell how well you're listening by where you're looking, whether you try to speak during pauses, whether you're trying to edge away, etc.

Quick tips:

• When someone is speaking to you, look directly at them. Be there mentally and physically.
• Wait for them to finish, and then acknowledge that you have heard by nodding for a few seconds, or saying something like, "I see," or, "That's interesting."
• Sounds like "mm-hmmm" or "ahh" during conversation also indicate that you are listening.
• Reflect or paraphrase what you have just heard. ("So I hear you saying…").
• Resist the temptation to jump in and speak until you are sure the other person is not just taking a breath.
• Work on becoming comfortable with silence, and allow your conversation partner time to think.

4. ASK QUESTIONS

People feel good when you show you're interested in them. Some questions, like "How's your day going?"are within the realm of small talk. But more individualized questions are appropriate, and appreciated. "How did your presentation go?" "Did I hear you won an award?"

Quick tips:

• Know the reason for your question. Is it to establish rapport? Show support? Obtain information you need? Understand the person better?
• Ask questions in a tone of voice you would use if you were hosting a special event - respectful and diplomatic. We tend to respond to people in the same manner we're spoken to.
• Avoid personal questions unless you have a close relationship with the person. Never, for example, probe for the details of a colleague's recent surgery, or personal financial situation.
• Use open-ended statements or questions to spark a conversation, i.e. "Tell me about your trip to….", or "I never knew you thought of that."

5. KEEP KONTROL OF YOUR EMOTIONS

If you invited people to your home, it would take a lot for you to become angry with them. Take this attitude to the office. People who lose control soon get a reputation as immature and unpredictable. People who keep their composure in all situations are more likely to be seen as leaders.

Quick tips:

• If you're feeling vulnerable or emotional, pause and suspend judgment for a second.
• Consciously take five deep breaths to calm you down.
• Judge the situation, never the individual. When you judge the situation, your attitude becomes less personal and you can be more objective.
• Take it upon yourself as 'host' to demonstrate calm and control - the very qualities you would rely on at a party of your own.
• In stressful situations, visualize someone you admire for their great composure. Imagine you are in their shoes, and act as you believe they would in the situation.

Host behavior is…
…being social to make people feel better about them, and you.

Host behavior is not…
…interrupting people all day long to chat about extra-curricular things.

Host behavior is…
…asking individualized questions to show that you're interested in what other people are doing.

Host behavior is not…
…asking personal questions that make people think you're digging for gossip.

Host behavior is…
…making people in meetings feel welcome and important.

Host behavior is not…
…making the person who organized the meeting feel upstaged and unimportant.

Host behavior is…
…giving the ideas of others the attention they deserve.

Host behavior is not…
…always subordinating your own ideas for the sake of getting along.
If you have any "host behavior" stories to share, please email to roz@usheroff.com.